A Goodbye of Sorts – It’s with some sadness I’m here to report that this will likely be my last blog post maybe ever… Maybe. I’ve accepted a new job and without getting into details I’ve decided to walk away from the blog because of it. I’m proud to go out on a high note and report that my 31 Reasons To Get Off Your High Horse, NFL piece had over 100,000 views and counting. Not bad for a homer hack that lacks the lush credentials of a Skip Bayless or a Joe Buck. Thank you incredibly to everyone who took the time to read it, share it, comment, all that. And thank you to everyone who followed the Facebook page week after week up through the undisputed most exciting Super Bowl of all time. I’ll probably still update the Facebook, but my days of long winded exposes of why your favorite sports writers are full of crap are likely over. Again… maybe. A quick thank you to my long time readers and frequent contributors: Dan White, Rusty, Staples, Janssen Railroad Tycoon McCormick, Jim, Chris Nothing, Fraser, everyone.
However there is one final misconception I want to clear up before we go. If you’re a true Patriots fan that stuck by your team when they needed it most, heard the same criticism every day, read the conspiracy theories, took a needling from your friends and co-workers that worshipped inferior football teams, and still put on your red white and blue every Sunday like a good solider believe me when I say this… We’re the champs, and there’s no need to be classy about it.
Let’s get the heavy stuff out of the way. My respect for the Seattle Seahawks organization is paramount. They did to Denver what the 2001 Patriots did to St. Louis and they did it better. They rolled over a big fancy store bought team with a bunch of guys that everyone who thought they knew better called “nobodies.” Even with a Super Bowl loss the Pete Carroll Hawks are amazing, and will be just as great next year. I’m comfortable saying that there are at least 25 franchises that are an affront to football pretending to even play in the same league as Seattle. They’re that good and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. With all the gum flapping they did they certainly deserve a least a little humiliation, but they played the game hard and should take no shame in a loss. I won’t even take a dig at their jabroni wagoneer fanbase even though they’re Oregon Trailing hard and we all know it. Everyone over 30 remembers how hard it was to root for those crappy late 80’s Patriots teams so let’s not throw (too many) stones. The Hawks, and the Since-The-2012th Man are cool with me.
That being said… fuck everyone else. Pats Nation shines its rings with your feeble tears. Take a picture. Write it down. We’re fucking in. You’re fucking out.
But, oh no! We’ve besmirched the lily white sensibilities of the NFL watching public. Goodness gracious, the same people that were calling Brady homophobic slurs, and cheered when the G.O.A.T. tore his ACL, and had nothing but the same corny Spygate jokes for 8 years dared to call us classless. How ever shall we recover? Considering Belichick was called classless every time he sneezed for the last decade this is another day at the office for Pats fans. Only this time we’ve got a 4th trophy to keep us company while you’re snuggling up to used “18-1″ joke wondering who your favorite team is going to waste money on this year to keep up with the champs. Calling someone “classless” after a game like that is the most transparently butthurt thing anyone can come up with. Are you upset about the loss or the fact that we rightfully spiked this win in America’s face? To these Princess & the Pea basket cases that can dish it out but can’t take it, I just have to ask: since when was football about class?
There was no class, no restraint, no professionalism, reason, logic, due diligence or intelligence displayed in the years leading up to ring #4 where our beloved Patriots were called cheaters, losers and whatever else came to the minds of gullible fans and press members. If the rest of the world expected this to be a classy affair they should have thought about it during the week to week conspiracy theory baiting and mean girls gossiping that passes for sports writing and discussion. For everyone who said Brady sucked, or Belichick couldn’t beat anyone without video tapes, or Bob Kraft bribed his way to whatever you deserve to watch the Patriots win the highest rated Super Bowl ever in the greatest finish ever. You ignored facts and reality in favor of your own jealously and willful ignorance and you deserve to have this Super Bowl win smacked in your face hard. Pats Nation, be classy if you want. Maybe you’re a better person than me. It wouldn’t be the first time. Be the bigger person if that’s how you live your life. There is, however, no precedent here for taking the high road and in this football fan’s humble opinion no need to take it. Salty peon football fans, defenders of domestic abusers and tax cheat owners, throwaway on-air personalities desperate for a spotlight, ignorant servile laundry worshiping scum: you set the ground rules. You deal with the consequences. We’re the G.O.A.T. It’s time to gloat. Kiss the rings.
Here’s a quick list of people who deserve to get it. Comment with more if you’re so inclined
Donovan McNabb – Check it out Donovan, you’re finally first at something. “Tom Brady was benched” says a guy who was booed by his own fans from the minute he was drafted to the minute he got nudged out of the way of the Christian Ponder era in Minnesota. You’d think a guy who played the position would have some perspective to share on Brady’s early struggles but playing a bitter old washout just seems to pay the bills better. Even when you look like a moron in hindsight.
Anyone Who Still Pretends To Not Know the Difference Between Pounds and PSI – The original ESPN report on Deflategate was that the balls were found to be “2 pounds” under the allowable limit. That would be pretty startling if it were even remotely true (more on that later). Air pressure isn’t measured in pounds, it’s measured in Pounds Per Square Inch… P.S.I. That thing everyone keeps saying. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle. Is this sinking in yet? No? Go out to your car or your bicycle. Look at the numbers on your tire. Those are PSI numbers. Now let 2 PSI worth of air out of your tires. Did your car just lose two pounds? Of course it didn’t. Give your tire a squeeze. Can you tell the difference between 40 PSI and 38 PSI just by squeezing your tire? Of course you can’t. Why would air pressure in a football be measured by weight? Why would an official squeeze a football to see how much it weighs? You’re an adult. Take off the velcro shoes and learn some adult things.
Michael Wilbon & Tony Kornheiser – Anyone who follows the Patskrieg Twitter knows how many times I’ve said this… Pardon the Interruption and Around the Horn are fucking torture: a clown car of screaming assholes crammed Brady Bunch style onto a cramped little space between text scrolling in every direction and not a single original thought comes out of it. The prolonged success of these programs is a shame on the human race as a whole. You’re talking about the two least interesting, least likable personalities with nothing interesting to say screaming at eachother for an hour a day. The fact that Wilbon said the Patriots should be disqualified from the Super Bowl for a 2 PSI aberration in a football tells you they have no interest whatsoever in sports. And of course everyone gets riled up by watching this crap: everyone is screaming. When Wilbon’s diabetic ass finally keels over on air the nation will be free of it’s curse. Here lies what’s his name. Contributed nothing. Mourned by none.
Trent Dilfer – Dilfer, to me was always a lovable ESPN B-teamer who had the decency to preface every single thing he says with a reminder of how bad he was as a player. But /r/Patriots would riot if I didn’t include him for being one of the first to read the Patriots their last rites. Well Dilfer redeemed himself a lot in the Super Bowl post game shutting down his gossipy co-hosts on a couple of occasions. Way late in the night game he even took on Chris Carter who toed the usual head in the sand line of “I don’t know other teams are bending the rules.” Sorry Chris, we all forgot that you were high on coke when all that stuff went down around you in your playing days. Like I said, Dilfer is alright by me but I had to put him here.
Every WEEI or SportsHub caller Ever – Up next is Mitch in Leominster, Mitch what’ve you got for us? Hey fellas, first time long time. Listen when are they gonna finally can that bum Belichick? He can’t do nothin without Chaaa’lie Weiss khed. Lettin Ben Wawtson go was a worse crime than Zayres gettin bought out by TJ Maxx. I ain’t had a pair ah overalls that fit right since. He shoulda drafted a fast tall guy and get a quartaahback that can run the ball. Brady’s still playin like he’s got a leatha’ helmet, khed ya hear me? Say what ya want about that alta’ boy Tebow but he just wins, guy. Tha kid just wins! You people are shit and make the world a worse place for everyone every minute you’re alive.
Michael Rosenberg & Sports Illustrated – Enjoy your defamation lawsuit you Building 19 fire sale hack. You got scooped by a guy who used to cover the Keene High Blackbirds. Even after the entire internet came down the laughing stock of Sports Illustrated for both his factually incorrect assessment of low contact on QBs rule that had nothing to do with Tom Brady, and his completely insane story of a secret TV monitor, nothing changed. Rosenberg cleaned up a couple typos and still left a series of libelous and just wrong statements in his article. He doesn’t know any better because he’s a cream puff baseball hack and doesn’t watch football. Seriously, one of the best sports publications of all time laid an egg when it came to both Deflategate and the Super Bowl. Don Banks actually suggested that the NFL would have been better off putting the Seahawks over as a Patriots win hurts fan interest in the NFL by way of making Deflategate worse. This was said after the highest rated television broadcast of all time. Get a clue crybaby, the product is already sold. SI’s disconnect with the sport of football is laughable and fast becoming insurmountable.
Chris Mortensen – One of the most well respected football journalists in the world laid down the most negligent lazy story of 2014 and no one batted an eye. Mort told the world with a straight face that he had an inside source in the Patriots (a team that gives up zero information) that everyone was done with Brady and “sooner or later” he was on the way out. Funny thing about sooner or later… it means whatever you want. Specifically here “later” meant standing behind Brady, reworking his contract to cover him into his 40’s without losing a dime and watching the GOAT with a 4th Super Bowl. As the Patriots started to pick up steam Mort went back and edited his already non-committal piece to be even more vague and meaningless, citing his own story as proof he didn’t make up the thing he just reported. With the clout Mort carries in the industry no one will ever challenge him on it either. He’ll likely goto his grave without ever having to admit he never had anything. What a fun system of checks and balances. Mort was also responsible for falsely reporting that “11 of the Patriots footballs used in Sunday’s AFC title game were under-inflated by 2 lbs each.”
Wrong on two levels. As discussed above #1 It’s not pounds. It’s Pounds Per Square Inch. That’s what PSI stands for: the force applied by the air to an area of one square inch. Air pressure in a finite space is measured in PSI. Not pounds. #2 when the NFL released some real live actual information on the aberration in PSI only 1 of the balls was found to be missing 2 PSI. The rest were just barely below the allowable limit: apparently imperceptible to a squeeze with the hands. Again, Mort picked up a microscopic detail from a source somewhere and filled in the rest with whatever would make for a more interesting Tweet. Mortensen never admitted any fault, or apologized for sloppy reporting of false information. He’ll maintain his plush cushy job pretending to be an insider, likely breaking another dumb gossip story months from now that everyone will swallow up all over again like nothing ever happened. Typical ESPN modus operandi: it’s not a mistake if you don’t apologize for it.
Roger Goodell – It’s been a rough year for the Commish, some of it is his fault, and some of it was inheriting a league full of demented assholes that no one could ever control. However, he went from “doin my best here” to the Mr. Bean of sports admins in a period of about three months and sunk himself with the total lack of control he had on Deflategate. Considering Robert Kraft was the lone owner to stand up for Goodell I have no idea what Goodell was thinking letting a microscopic PSI aberration turn into a household scandal. He has no winning move here. The poor doe eyed fans want a massive penalty and some kind of pat on the back assurance that they don’t have to bow down to the Pats. They won’t get it because it’s obvious by now that the NFL has no case and never did. The only rationale I have is that it was just enough of a distraction to keep gullible cro magnon fans from finding out about yet another head trauma scandal in former Patriot great Mosi Tatupu, who doctors believe ruined his marriage and mental state because of significant CTE found in his brain. Here’s a tip, Roger… most football fans still have no idea what CTE is. Despite years of startling studies and evidence about the irreversible effects of head trauma caused by professional football your average fan is still riding the “BUT IT’S FOOTBALL, GUY” wagon and using words like “wussification” and “sissification” like they’re actual things, with no concern for anyone but themselves. “I love this football guy but I don’t care if he can tie his shoes without blacking out 5 years from now” is the legacy contemporary football fans will leave on the sport. That’s your audience, Rog: fucking morons.
Phil Simms – Scott Norwood missed a field goal 24 years ago and the NFL has been cursed with Giants tagalong Phil Simms hanging around the broadcast like the neighborhood divorced dad lugging a box of Jenga door to door. Simms is consistently the worst broadcaster on television. He covers maybe 12 Patriots games a year and week to week acts like he’s never heard of anyone. I suppose that’s nothing considering he’s spent 30 something years in the league and still has no idea what the rules are. I almost never buy into the homer fantasy that the announcers hate your team. They’re paid to talk about the game, and talking up the opponents is part of their job. But for a guy who owes Bill Belichick his entire career he absolutely hates the Patriots and it shows. He covers what, like 12 Patriots games a year and still can’t pronounce half their names. It’s like if Fifty First Dates was about the Patriots depth chart. And the lying… Simms is dead set on trying to convince everyone he’s House, and that no detail gets past him. Every time he pulls out one of his “When that happened I immediately noticed…” moments where he tries to tell you he picked up on some miniscule detail no one could have seen in real time, he’s always wrong. You did not notice that there was exactly 1 second left on the clock after Matt Schaub called a timeout. It takes more time than that just to turn your head and find the game clock. It makes me wish LT wasn’t in jail so I could maybe hear from someone that actually did something in to win the Giants their Super Bowls.
Chris Simms – So check it. Baby Simms bottoms out in the NFL. He sits around for two whole years then gets hired out of nowhere to be Brady’s quarterback coach in 2012. It really made no sense because for years before that the OC doubled as the quarterback coach, Brady has his own QB adviser and Simms had zero coaching experience since being removed from football. But whatever it’s a total cush job letting Brady just do his thing and taking credit. Right? I guess not. A year later Simms was gone. No one ever gave up details why but name the last time the Patriots cut bait on a coach after 1 year. You can’t. Bush League Chris was out of coaching entirely and reduced to writing slide shows for Bleacher Report for intern credit and all of a sudden wants to start a PR war with Tom Brady. What a shocker, the guy who blew a gravy train job coaching the greatest quarterback of all time has a cleat up his butt about it. Of all the D list freeze dried pubes that get hired on TV after their careers are over Melissa Rivers Simms could only land a web job. Like most things he did, no one paid attention. Can’t play football. Can’t coach football. Can’t write about football. Chris Simms, everyone.
The New York Post – Photoshop for Dickheads Daily went out with one final sour grape. Dead format from the grossest state in the union.
Anyone Still Crediting Adam Vinatieri for the First 3 Rings – “Hey fahkin first time long time here, khed, listen, ya know everybody’s jumpin all over Brady this an’ Brady that. But ya know… if ya think about it… fahkin Let’s naawt fah’get guy, they only won them first three Soopa Bowls cuza Vinatieri, the kicka there. Brady coulda scawed them touchdowns but he didn’t. He needed Vinatieri ta bail him out. How does this mindset still exist? How do you show your face at Dunkin Donuts knowing this kind of bullshit goes through your head? Vinatieri is a legend but exactly how many 99 yard field goals do you think he kicked? Three Super Bowls that needed a field goal to win, Brady delivers clutch drives on all three on the biggest stage in sports and some guy who eats at The 99 is unimpressed by it. Talk about a spoiled asshole. The faux football historian “look wut I discova’d khed” is the icing on the cake. Congratulations, you figured out how to read a box score years after the rest of us witnessed classic football from the undisputed GOAT. Sorry you missed it.
Tim Hasselbeck – Shhh! Everyone, Tito Hasselbeck has perspective to share. It’s funny, when the relevant Hasselbeck brother, who actually played in the AFCCG, came out and said that he was shocked Deflategate was a controversy because everyone knew it bore no impact whatsoever on anything I cracked a joke to a friend that I would reserve my opinions until Tim Hasselbeck weighed in. Surprise surprise he had something shocking and dumb to say. Look at the facts guys, Tim is 3 years younger than his brother and is somehow already out of the league. He threw a single pass or more in only 7 games in his entire career and the Redskins lost 6 of them. With the exponentially growing crowded stable of ESPN on air personalities there is no need for Tim Hasselbeck to be on ESPN. Quite honestly there never was.
Jon Tomase – I don’t know how Tomase keeps landing jobs in Boston any more than I get how he walks down the street without getting his face punched in. Lying greaseball load that should have been run out of town years ago. There are plenty of people in this world that I’ve rooted against, given the finger to on TV, or trashed over social media that I still think I’d be able to shake their hand and treat them with general human dignity if I ever met them. I can honestly say I’d rather die than shake Jon Tomase’s hand.
The Boston Herald – “TEBOW TIME”. Front page. Never forget.
Bob Kravitz – Career small timer and local TV sports anchor Bob Kravitz earned the ire of Patriots fans when he accurately broke the story that Deflategate was a thing. Really that’s no reason to jump on Chump Change Kravitz. However, when the New York Daily News broke a story that D’Qwell Jackson was the one that first discovered that something was up with the game ball Kravitz was finally in a unique position to be a real journalist. He was a phone call away from getting an admission from the Colts organization itself. It was the smoking gun, or it was a new chapter in a quickly developing story. The report, however, turned out to be completely false. Jackson never found anything wrong with the ball. Kravitz could have easily called the Colts and gotten a yes or no out of Jackson before he wrote his own piece. He didn’t. Bobby Smalltime did what he’s known best for: took a nap and phoned it in. It wouldn’t have even been a long distance charge for Kravitz but it was still too much effort to behave like a professional. As CBS Boston Michael Hurley pointed out (in a must read article) Kravitz was also asleep at the wheel when Colts owner Jim Irsay went on his Fear and Loathing joy ride high on OC’s that thankfully didn’t kill anyone. If anyone should be kicked out of the league like the eternally amateur hour, Playskool, hairbrush microphone in the mirror let’s play reporter man Indianapolis media cried for, it should maybe be their own repeat offender alcoholic owner. All of a sudden the integrity of the game just didn’t mean quite as much. And the whole time Kravitz went on his mini media tour, just like a real reporter, all he could do was moan about the Patriots fans drilling him over being a slouch. “I have pretty thick skin but wah wahh wahh hear me cry.” No ya don’t. Kravitz deserves all the criticism he’s received and is thoroughly exposed as being one step removed from being a weather man.
Gregg Doyel – You might recognize Indianapolis Star writer Gregg Doyel as one of what seems like a million generic sports pundits that try to play Mr. Edgy on TV and radio. It’s about as authentic as the “I’m not bald I shaved my head” character Doyel plays in real life. Cranky Gregg waited until 3 weeks after the Super Bowl to pen a piece called Everyone Lost Deflategate… where he proposes that not only does he look bad, the Colts look bad, the NFL look bad, but the Patriots and their fans lose because “perception is reality” and the Pats will always be cheaters. Hey Pats Nation… do you feel like losers right now? I just watched the best Super Bowl of my lifetime. Then I watched a shitfaced Julian Edelman clothesline a poster of Richard Sherman on top of a duckboat in Government Center. Then I went on every social media platform on earth and slam dunked ring #4 in everyone’s face and watched the haters slink away in shame. I’m having the best time ever so there’s your perception and your reality right there. Doyel pulled this straight out of Losing Arguments for Dummies, the old “let’s just agree we’re both wrong.” Better idea Gregg… Let’s agree that Deflategate is falling apart faster than the MBTA. Let’s agree that the Colts front office and the NFL look about as innocent as Marvin Harrisson the time his gun mysteriously tried to kill someone without him (*SIP* but that’s none of my business). Let’s agree that perception and reality clashed here because you and fellow soft bake Bob Kravitz skewed the details of the story by leaving out facts that didn’t suit your agenda. What the hell do I care what some football part-timer from another timezone thinks? No one can ever take this victory away from Pats Nation. Ever. And speaking of perception versus reality Doyel insists that the Boston media made up the idea that the Colts tampered with the game ball. Wrong and you know it, poser. This exciting possibility was presented to us by actual journalist Adam Schefter who made this known on Dennis & Callahan.
So, perception is reality… wrong. The Boston media are framing the Colts… wrong. Usual par the course allergic to facts Indianapolis journalism. Grumpy Gregg also repeatedly declares that he’d “love to see the Patriots vacate the title, but that’s never gonna happen.” You’d love to see a thing that doesn’t deserve to happen happen? Nice credibility. I can’t even call this guy a homer because he’s not even remotely from Indianapolis. He was born in Hawaii, grew up in Mississippi, went to school in Florida, wrote a couple random college basketball books and didn’t hold a single job inside the state of Indiana until he wrote for the Star. His homerism is fake. His commitment to the sport is fake. His astro turfed edgy rage is fake. Annnnd his marriage was fake. This is the last gasp of a useless fake journalist trying to score web traffic before this all goes away. Everyone lost… except the side that won their FOURTH Super Bowl. That’s us. Perceive that reality while you get your shinebox.
CNN’s John Berman – Hot take from CNN’s Not-Anderson Cooper: “shame on me for liking the cheater Patriots” says John Berman. Berman wasn’t alone in this sentiment. In the early stages of PSIgate there were more than a few false Pats fans that took to social media to let the world know that they were just as smh as the rest of the world. Fuck these people. “I am not going to dwell on the specifics of the accusations,” Berman says “or the physics of what advantage you get from deflated footballs.” Probably because you’re a lazy fence sitting asshole who didn’t actually follow the story and has no idea what the implications are. What kind of a soft baked jabroni do you have to grow up to be that you’re scared someone will dislike you because of the football team you root for? That you’d be so scared of losing the approval of a stranger for a split second you’re willing to deny your own team? Sports are not meant for spineless beige alert bullshit like this. I’ll make your shame issues real easy for you: Pats Nation card revoked, poser.
Ben Rohrbach and Yahoo Sports – Boston native Ben Rohrbach miraculously got the idea to publish a list of the other 31 NFL teams cheating 4 days after mine went viral. I certainly can’t accuse anyone of plagiarizing as all this information is public, and I do appreciate that someone in the national media did what was right. But his list was mostly a really lame glance at PED suspensions and missed a chance to spotlight the true underbelly of the league. Do you know why my list was better than Yahoo’s? Because I fucking Googled it.
Mike Klis – Two years from now the only search results you’ll find for Denver journalist Mike Klis will be my long dead blog posts making fun of him. The Bronco’s resurgence over the windfall of landing Peyton Manning was the only thing keeping Klis on the Denver Post payroll. You could pay a 19 year old intern to do everything Klis doesn’t do: research stories, cite facts, and maybe form an opinion that isn’t from the point of view of a pink/orange hat homer that blows a kiss to John Elway’s Starting Lineup figure every night. Klis will be the first one there to take a stand when a team fairly and legally gets an upper hand on Uncle Johnny’s Broncos. Out of market stations are calling him for interviews and he get to sit there against a fake Denver skyline backdrop in a satellite studio somewhere and play Mr. Important Journalist to the world for 5 minutes. Ask him to report on the coverup of John Elway III’s domestic violence incident and he’s got better things to do. Both TMZ and a guy from the Denver Post named Rich Tosches (author of such articles as A Racoon Selfie What Could Go Wrong?) stepped up and did Klis’ job for him. This was the guy who called McDaniels classless for taking a job as a Patriots offensive assistant after the regular season. Goodbye Mike. It’s been a real pleasure watching you stuff your spine with Shannon Sharpe jerseys.
Football Traditionalists – People who still think that the Cowboys, Steelers, and Packers are the only teams with any business winning a Super Bowl need to crawl in a tar pit and die with the rest of the dinosaurs. Wow what a treat Super Bowl XXX was. Real hard nosed prestigious football is definitely watching Neil O’Donnell throw interceptions like he had no idea what planet he was on. Oh god the indignity of watching two 40-50 year old expansion teams armed to the teeth grind out a spectacular last second finish that no one could have ever predicted. If Tom Landry doesn’t take a Gatorade bath in the 3rd quarter then why bother right? I actually heard a Sports Hub call the day after the Super Bowl whining that the game was okay but it lacked the prestige of a Cowboys Steelers old tyme duel. What an exciting life you must live that (again) the most watched television broadcast of all time doesn’t do it for you. Let me put this in perspective for you, out of 49 Super Bowls only 16 were settled by fewer than 10 points. The Patriots played in 6 of them and won 4. Most of these “classic” matchups that people allude to are more hearsay and exaggeration than anything. Traditionally speaking, Super Bowls were almost always blowouts for big chunks of the NFL timeline. Hell the Packers blew out the Chiefs by 25 in the first Super Bowl ever. I remember watching the 2nd half of Super Bowl XXIV and wondering just what the hell the big deal was because the Broncos were down by 40 and couldn’t do anything against the 49ers. It wasn’t until a year later when the Super Bowl came down to the last drive that I actually got hooked on football. When people talk about prestigious franchises they’re telling you they only care about the Hardees NFL mugs they drank their Juicy Juice out of as a kid. You can hate the lowly Patriots for not having Dandy Don Meredith in their history or whatever feels cool and nostalgic for you but the fact is the Brady era Pats make for good Super Bowls. Cry away.
Jackie Macmullan – The basketball writer who made it her business to push for the Patriots to sign Eric Decker despite all common sense. The difference between Decker and Brandon LaFell eventually turned out to be 9 yards and $27 million. Decker was the wrong move and it was obvious. Planting the seed in public perception that Decker was somehow that answer for a team that just lost an AFCCG because they didn’t have the cornerback depth was an obnoxious pain in the ass for sane fans to have to deal with all offseason. We, the fans, really could have used a reasonable voice to talk us down from the hopes of landing an overrated name with a big price tag. Instead we got yet another writer using the biggest entity in sports to beg for attention.
Mark Brunell – By the time you’re finished reading this Mark Brunell will have been sued for defaulting on another loan.
Jerry Rice – The all time double threat greatest and most annoying wide receiver to ever casually cheat at the game. Randy Moss broke his touchdown record and Rice whined, begging for an asterisk because Rice played in the 12 game era, refusing to give a fellow phenom athlete an ounce of credit. Okay Jerry, asterisk. Wes Welker drew comparisons to Rice for his freakish production, up pops Jerry Rice to recoil in disgust at being compared to a short white guy who only took about 100 times the hits that Rice ever did in half the time. Fine Jerry, we won’t compare you to a short guy. Surprise surprise, the Patriots show up in Glendale with a chance to match San Francisco’s Super Bowl titles and Rice cries for another asterisk this time for a paper thin accusation that appeals to only egomaniacal crybabies like Rice who can’t deal with any team but their own succeeding. This is the same guy who tells you that Van Heusen dress shirts don’t make you look like you’re interviewing for a job at a Weymouth Dollar Tree. Do yourself a favor. Dress yourself like an adult and take your advice from anyone but Jerry Rice. Even when Rice was caught bragging about his own cheating he still wouldn’t humble himself enough to give a real apology for being a hypocrite. What a sad way for a sad old man to fade away.
Marshall Faulk – The biggest turd on turf. Faulk offers zero to football broadcasting. 364 days a year Faulk is a cue card reading cardboard cutout somewhere between less helpful than a box score and more interesting than the Weather Channel. But for one day a year the Super Bowl talk is too much for San Diego State’s biggest crybaby and he throws a tantrum about the Patriots stealing a Super Bowl from him. “But how could a team full nobodies beat the greatest show on turf?” Nobodies, Marshall? Teddy Bruschi, Willie McGinest, Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy, Richard Seymour? These are nobodies? This isn’t 2001 anymore. These are potential Hall of Famers. Insult to injury: Bruschi has a primetime spot on ESPN while Faulk is the NFL Network’s substitute heath teacher. How’s that for a nobody? I’m sorry Marshall. I’m sorry you ate so many hits to the head that you still think anyone but you cost you a Super Bowl.
Kurt Warner – Marshall Faulk’s mopey counterpart. Warner was never quite as vocal as Faulk when it came to prolonged crying about Super Bowl XXXVI but he’s just as pathetic when he wanted to be. His constant background drumming of “Well ya know… it makes ya think there…” anytime something came up with the Patriots made a formerly B+ quarterback into a total sad sack gimp. Never stopping to blame himself for over throws and terrible interceptions, Warner tried his hardest to keep the fire alive that maybe it was someone’s fault but his. Thanks for presenting the Lombardi, Warner. Ty Law and James Harrison know that it wasn’t the first time you handed someone else a Super Bowl trophy over.
Marty Hurney – What a smart guy. He knew for a fact that his team cheated in Super Bowl XXXVIII so it stands to reason that maybe the other team cheated too. No wonder he’s the GM. Make no mistake, Hurney knew all about the steroids going on in the Panthers locker room. Players don’t magically get hooked up with super secret steroid doctors from the Yellow Pages. Are we idiots, Marty? Is Google not a thing? Is it that hard for anyone to look up the fact that your team was on steroids and still lost the Super Bowl?
Tony Massarotti – The worst radio host in Boston, and somehow Andy Gresh is the one stepping down? Puke. Mazz is one of many Boston radio guys who year in and year out talk about this team like they’re finishing 2-14, but Mazz has to be the worst. Back in September I listened to Massarotti and his co-host Mike Felger go on for about an hour about how Belichick was sabotaging Brady on purpose to squeeze him in 2015 to restructure his contract. The two of them went on and on about how it was supposedly a known fact around the league (known somehow only by them) that Belichick would siphon players snaps to keep their contracts down at the expense of winning. Well here’s a fact for you. Vince Wilfork made every single one of his performance bonuses from his restructured deal. One of the biggest bonuses hinged on 75 playing a certain percentage of the overall snaps, a percentage that could have easily been cut short had Belichick benched Wilfork in week 17 (a game they were clearly prepared to lose anyways). Vince got his snaps, and his money. Brady got every cent of his money in a newly restructured deal, and the Pats got a 4th Lombardi. How’s that for a known fact? I really only listen to Mazz if I’m stuck in rush hour traffic with a dead iPod, but I don’t think I’ve heard him once in the last 3 years where he didn’t bend the conversation way out of shape to tell you that Andrew Luck is better than Tom Brady. I don’t know what his obsession with Luck is, but this is the first year in his career where Luck was actually statistically superior to Brady and Luck still lost to the Patriots miserably twice. You call him up and tell him what a jackass he is and 2 minutes later it’s like it never happened. Felger & Mazz are maybe the only two unanimously hated radio hosts in Boston and they have a drive time show that feels like it lasts about 17 hours a day every day. At some point we have to ask WHY?
Anyone Who Sided Against Vince Wilfork – This one got me in a big way. Vince had a spat with Belichick early in the offseason over a contract dispute we all saw coming. Vince was asked to take, what we believe, was a significant pay cut after a major injury, Vince took offense threw a locker room fit and the pink hats revolted. The same people who screamed at Belichick and Kraft for being “too cheap” all of a sudden wrote off Vince Wilfork for wanting the amount of money that was already in his contract. Which is it? First of all the too cheap argument makes no sense. Belichick has a relative cap bubble that he sticks to just about every year. The Redskins and Buccaneers had two of the highest salaries in the league in 2014 and finished with 6 wins between them. Vince has been the backbone of this team for years, a huge philanthropist constantly giving to charities and the less fortunate and one of the best defensive players in the game. You give someone like that the benefit of the doubt or you don’t dare call yourself a Patriots fan. That means you Ajay Vieria and Richie Evans.
No idea who either of these assclowns are but this was the kind of thing that people pretending to be Patriots fans came up with. It obviously hurt Vince, who a number of times throughout the season brought up that bandwagon fans and doubters had no place following the team on their road to glory. If you sided against Big Vince this Super Bowl is not yours. Plain and simple.
Ron Borges – Mr. Borges you’re a veteran of the industry, and everything that makes that same industry pointless and obsolete. Stupid contrarian boilerplate devoid of any real insight into the sport or the business that lives to see the home team fail. Cover him in wax and wheel his tired old bullshit to a museum next to Dan Shaughnessy so kids can come see what the world looked like when they couldn’t just DVR the game and watch it for themselves so you don’t have listen to as asshole’s impression of what happened.
Cary Williams Wow, tell us again about that preseason pick six and everything it’s done for you.
Every Ray Rice Apologist Ever – If watching women get knocked around is no big deal, like so many people commented to tell me when I pointed out how many teams were stashing domestic abusers on their rosters with little to no consequence… Please… by all means… send me your home address so I can send Greg Hardy over to punch your mother. “I’m sure there’s probably two sides to the story, bro.”
The Miami Dolphins – The “top 5 defense” and the supposedly most statistically impressive team to never win a single game of consequence. Broadcasters peppered us all year long with the myth that Miami was this statistically amazing team that was just waiting to strike. Well the truth, for anyone who actually looked it up, was that Miami had an average defense (14th in yards allowed), a “franchise” quarterback who in his best year as a pro still threw as many picks as Teddy Bridgewater, and had a middle of the road give/take differential right in between Carolina and Minnesota. This was supposed to be the year they finally turn it all around which coincidentally is the 1 year anniversary of the last time they had it all figured out, and about 10 years in a row before that. The Dolphins suck and everyone knows it.
The Buffalo Bills – Tell us again about your stunning week 17 win against the practice squad. Well the Bills beat the Patriots, and the Patriots won the Super Bowl, so naturally the Bills must be on the verge of winning a Super Bowl. Nevermind that they still have no quarterback, no chance of drafting a better quarterback, Mario Williams just turned 30, the coach that got them playing their best football in years quit on the team to get away from their inept front office, or that the Jets went 8-8 last year and it didn’t help them at all. Please tell us about “history” being made and we’ll console ourselves with the highest rated TV broadcast ever and a 4th Super Bowl trophy. #BillsMafia
The New Jersey Jets – I can’t thank the Jets enough for finally getting rid of the one coach that actually gave Belichick a run for his money. We could talk about how bad the Jets suck all day but the heart of the matter is thus… The Jets are a team that by accident of birth is sitting on the biggest market in the country and for the life of them they can’t do anything to deserve it beyond telling everyone how big their market is and how much attention they should get. Just let Donald Trump buy the damn team already and let the joke have its punchline. New York sucks. Everyone in New York sucks. Everyone who cares about New York sucks. Everyone who thinks Rutherford, New Jersey is Manhattan sucks. Try putting asses in the seats the old fashioned way: winning.
Greg Garber – Author of the Brady to the Texans trade proposal that ESPN published to let you know that they just don’t care anymore. “It actually makes too much sense” says a fictitious general manager. I wouldn’t have cared so much about ESPN’s completely stupid made up rumor that Brady was on the trading block, but making up a conversation with a GM should have been your reason for finding a new site for stats.
That’s it for me. I might be back. I might not. All I know is that the struggle was real. The payoff was real. Huff and puff and hold your breath all you want delicate little NFL princesses. The Patriots are four time Super Bowl Champions. Eat it.