Off Season Complain-A-Thon Part 5: Steven Tyler & Bon Jovi GTFO

Please no more… Steven Tyler & Bon Jovi in the owners box

Oh my god. I get it. Steven Tyler is from Massachusetts. Belichick likes Bon Jovi. Patriots fans are clubbed over the head with these facts one broadcast after another where we’re constantly shown two of the most all time stagnant presences in music taking up space in the Gillette owners box.

Well here’s another observation… Aerosmith sucks. They’ve sucked for 4 decades now. Go ahead and look it up. Dream On was the last worthwhile song they wrote and it was on their debut album in 1973. That makes it 40 years to 2013 without writing another listenable album. No, I absolutely do not consider any of their attention begging 90’s soundtrack hits to be any good. They suck. Dude Looks Like A Lady, Rag Doll, Walk this Way. These are novelty songs. They’re on par with the Monster Mash and Allan Sherman’s Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh. This is supposed to solidify their rock n roll legacy?

Forcing Steven Tyler on us as the resident celebrity just because he lives in Mansfield is just as patronizing as rolling out Dropkick Murphys and the Mighty Mighty Bosstones every time the Red Sox need first a pitch thrown out. Even the most entrenched pink hat Boondock Saints worshiping Sullys and Murphs break down once in a while and think “Jesus, Dropkick Murphy’s again? Tessie was like 9 years ago.” Watching Steven Tyler sit in a luxury box seat is as infuriating to Patriots fans as every time you’ve ever seen someone on TV slouched over in their seat napping during the World Series.

And holy shit… that song Tyler pulled out of his ass about the Pats for those Dunkin Donuts commercials was worse than Prince’s Purple & Gold and that song Faith Hill did about how great Vince Young is during their short lived undefeated stretch.

A little background on Legendary Child – Patriots Anthem

If you’ve actually listened to the song and wondered why the lyrics seem seriously forced and slapped together that’s because they are. The song was originally the lead single on Aerosmith’s new album. You didn’t know that because you don’t listen to new Aerosmith because no one listens to new Aerosmith. They song was originally titled Legendary Child. Pepsi then dreamt up an idea for an album featuring famous artists doing anthems for NFL teams (yeah that ought to fly off the shelves). So they wrote Steven Tyler a check and (I’m assuming) 15 minutes later he had swapped out the lyrics for a bunch of gibberish and buzz words about the Patriots and boom… Legendary Child – Patriots Anthem, a song that previously had absolutely nothing to do with the Patriots, was born. Paste in this corny Photoshopped promo pic of Jerod Mayo posing with the 600 year old Aerosmith and it’s off to sit on a shelf at Newbury Comics for about 9 years.

You could not pay me enough money to believe that Jerod Mayo listens to Aerosmith. No one listens to Aerosmith. They suck.

And Bon Jovi is a Giants fan for christ’s sake. Yeah, I know Belichick likes maybe 3 things in the entire world and one of them is (somehow) Bon Jovi. He’s a Giants fan and he sucks. Wanted Dead or Alive was his last actual contribution to music and the whole point of that song was to be an ironic karaoke selection for the rest of eternity. Why is he even still a celebrity?

In the interest of saying something positive. Bon Jovi doesn’t get half the rant that Steven Tyler does. Why?

  • He’s not a patronizing local celebrity.
  • His music sucks but he doesn’t seem like a total dick, and doesn’t look lost at a football game like Tyler.
  • He actually owns an arena league team in Philadelphia so I’d like to think he actually has an interest in football.
  • His sole contribution to music was 27 years ago (1986) instead of Aerosmith’s 40.
  • I still really liked that time Belichick and Charlie Weiss sung backups on Wanted Dead or Alive.
  • Whatever keeps Belichick happy is fine by me I guess. But if it were really up to me I’d say show some solidarity with your fan base and hit him with an egg if he comes on stadium property ever again.

    SOLUTIONS?

    One of the coolest parts of the Gillette experience is the medley of AC/DC songs that get played pre-game and in between downs. You want a rock star in your booth so bad get Angus Young in there. Be represented by a guy in a band who even after their singer died and they all hit middle age still didn’t lower themselves to writing the goofball bullshit that Aerosmith wrote. The AC/DC discography gorilla presses Aerosmith’s entire catalog and has enough left over to DDT every Bon Jovi hit ever. I cannot and will not be contradicted on this.

    Let him get tanked with Bob Kraft and let wonder why all these rugby players are wearing helmets. I want to see CBS cut to an annoyed Drew Bledsoe in the owners box with Young shredding an air guitar solo using a jumbo shrimp as a pick 3 inches from his face. Kraft would spend an absolute fortune flying him in from Australia 8 times a year. But so what? At least the franchise would be pandering to a musician whose actually done something for the team.

    Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Off Season Complain-A-Thon Part 5: Steven Tyler & Bon Jovi GTFO

  1. sheila.marie says:

    Who is the guy picking his nose in disgust at having to stare at Steven’s highlights and glitter jeans?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s